Burning (PAVAD: FBI Romantic Suspense Book 11) Read online

It was the way she felt. The way everything mattered to her, touched her, meant something. The way it often times didn’t to him. He’d noticed the lack in himself before.

  And noticed that Merrick was the opposite. She loved, she laughed—she drew people to her with the warmth that was such a part of her.

  She drew him. And always had.

  ***

  She watched his eyes for some clue about what he was feeling. This was Sin, and she didn’t know him at all. She was well aware of that. “That coin toss was one of the few things in our marriage that actually ticked me off and hurt me. And I think Seb always regretted not telling me the truth from the very beginning. But then I wouldn’t have married him, and he couldn’t have saved the day. I don’t know if you’ve missed it, but he had a bit of a hero complex. He needs a woman to need him.”

  “And you didn’t need him?”

  “I did. At first. I’m not even sure why I said yes, Sin. It was only a few weeks after my father’s funeral, remember? Seb was older, more established and safe. And he was someone to be with, who I knew cared whether I lived or died. And there was the added bonus of the money. It helped; Seb paid off some of his debts, I was able to stay in school. We both benefited. Or at least I like to think.”

  “Yet you filed for divorce.”

  “And you’ve always blamed me for that. I wasn’t in love with your brother, sin. And he wasn’t in love with me. We were too comfortable with each other, and not in love enough. The divorce was the right choice. I don’t think anyone looking at him and Carrie now can argue that.” And she never would.

  Sebastian and Carrie had one of those relationships that were the kind people wrote about. The kind people remembered. Not like what she and Seb had had, and she knew it. “My regrets about my marriage don’t have anything to do with the divorce. Seb and I have talked about it, and we both agree it was the right decision. One of the hardest I’ve ever had to make, but it was the right one.”

  “I understand.”

  “And it really isn’t any of your business.” And it wasn’t. So why was he in her bedroom questioning her? And why was she answering instead of running him out?

  He stood and walked toward her. “It is my business. He’s my brother.”

  “And you’re his keeper?”

  “Yes. And he and Seth are mine. We have watched each other’s backs since birth.”

  “Then why did you stay away from him for so long. You know that hurt him. And it hurt Seth.”

  Questions she had always wanted to ask him, but had never been brave enough. But tonight was different.

  Tonight she wanted to understand at least something about the world. About life.

  About him. Because he was big and safe and strong and right there in front of her. Something for her to focus on besides what could have happened.

  “My brothers have made it perfectly clear that they are fine with us not being a major part of each other’s lives anymore. And if it hadn’t been for Alessandra do you think Seth would still be in St. Louis? No. And my position here is temporary.”

  “That’s sad.” And it was. “You’ll be missed when you leave.”

  “By you? Or by my brothers? Somehow I am not certain of either.”

  “You don’t see it, then. Still. Seth and Seb have always wanted you in their lives. Seb used to say so all the time. And now with Tyler, and them having Maddie, and Seth’s baby coming. You belong here. I’d hate to see you lose what ground you’ve gained these past few months.”

  “With them? Or with the two of us? Something’s different between us now. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s there. And I think you know it.”

  He was right there in front of her, his hands hot on her waist. “Sin?”

  “Yes. Me. Not Seth, not Sebastian. Not Chalmers or Lucas or any other guy who has been interested in you in the last few years. Me. I want you to know for sure who’s in front of you.”

  “I’ve never had any trouble telling you apart from your brothers. Or anyone else. You’re a total idiot if you think otherwise.”

  “Good. Then we’re clear on a few things…” He pulled her against him. Cody let him. She didn’t know why she didn’t tell him to wait in the living room. Tell him that he was crazy for even looking at her that way. For even thinking about her that way.

  Why had he suddenly started glaring at her with heat in his eyes instead of hatred? Because of that stupid coin toss? “Why did it bother you? The coin toss? My marriage to your brother?”

  “Because I wanted you for myself. Do you remember Berrie Kittredge’s birthday party?”

  “Of course. It was a few months before my father died.” She remembered that day, all right. How could she forget? It was the first time any guy had ever seen her naked.

  “I stood there for more than three minutes, staring. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care.”

  “I didn’t have a clue. I had headphones on, and didn’t realize the door lock was broken. I was horribly embarrassed.”

  “That wasn’t the word I would use. I was harder than I had ever been. Three months later you married my brother. And I still hadn’t forgotten what I had seen.”

  “You wouldn’t have done anything about it, Sin. We both know that. Childhood animosity, remember?”

  “That wasn’t what I was feeling for those three months. I couldn’t sleep without seeing your breasts in my dreams. I had it bad. And then you married my brother.”

  “And you hated me for that? I didn’t know.”

  “And I thought for years you’d just picked one, took the brother you could get.”

  “Because you didn’t have any respect for my character. I get it. You have never thought I had any integrity or morals. You made that clear several times during—an after—my marriage, remember.” And it had hurt and angered her then, too. She grabbed his shirt, hopelessly wrinkling the cotton. “Here’s a newsflash. I’d only kissed two men before I got married. One of them was Seth the Christmas before, under a mistletoe with twenty people watching. And Sebastian was the first guy I ever slept with. I had practically no experience with men. It wasn’t like I just picked a brother and went with it. Or used some feminine wiles to trick him. He came to me, and offered to help me out, when I needed him most. I’m not sorry for what happened between us. Only that it bothered you so much. I’ve never understood it.”

  “Because I fucking wanted you then. I wanted you when you were twenty, I wanted you when you were married to my brother. I wanted you after you’d hurt him by divorcing him. And I wanted you the last time I was in St. Louis. I can’t be near you without wanting you!”

  For the first time since they were kids Sin shouted, showed exactly how he felt.

  Cody took a step back. That was one thing she hadn’t expected. Whenever she and Seb would argue, he would never shout. He’d just close down and walk away, shutting her out.

  Apparently this brother was a bit different. “Sin…”

  He took in a deep breath, but she could still see the anger in him. “Every time I see you, I can only think of one thing. And that has driven me insane. With guilt for wanting my brother’s wife. All of this time, that’s all I could think about. If you and Seb had had a normal divorce, where you despised each other and never saw each other, it would be different. But since I came to St. Louis you are all around me. Everywhere I turn. Even my son talks about you! What is a sane guy supposed to do? I can’t handle it anymore.” He tried to step back. “And I shouldn’t be shouting at you tonight. And I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t. Don’t treat me with kid gloves. That’s the last thing I need tonight.”

  “I think you need to take a shower. I’ll be out here when you get finished.”

  Cody tried not to think about what his words meant. “I’m sorry me being in St. Louis interferes with your plans. I hate to sound childish, but I was here first.”

  “Yes, you were. And you’ll be here after I’m gone. But that doesn’t change the fact that when
you walk in a room I can’t think.”

  “What am I supposed to say to that? Gee, sorry?” This was crazy. Sin didn’t say these kinds of things. Hell, for that matter, neither did Sebastian. Seth, maybe. He was the most passionate of the three. But Sin? No. Not Sin. “So what you’re saying is, you’re still hung up on the past. On things that happened five, ten, fifteen years ago? That’s crazy.”

  “I’m not hung up on the past, Merrick. I’m hung up on you. I burn for you and it lasts weeks at a time. Usually right after I see you again. But now? Now you are everywhere. And it’s more than I can take.”

  He’d stepped away from her. She would have sworn there was space in between them. Before he swooped.

  And then his mouth was on hers and he was filling her senses and all she could think about was him. Her and him, and what they could have done twenty years ago if she had only known what he had been feeling. At least, if he had told her that he was interested. Would she have wanted to act on that interest? She would never truly know.

  But he was there now.

  And that was enough.

  Her hands slipped beneath his shirt and she could feel him, all hot and muscled. He had better tone than Sebastian, and a bit less hair. Unless her memory of her ex was corrupted by time.

  But she didn’t want to think about Sebastian while kissing Sin. That seemed wrong somehow, and the feelings that Seb had roused in her were nothing like this. They had had an easy sex life that had grown with time. There hadn’t been this burning passion, had there?

  Was it because she had been a young girl then? Twenty and naïve? The feelings burning at her now were those of a full-grown woman who knew what she was doing. Knew what she wanted, and needed.

  Different. Deeper.

  So much deeper.

  He pulled away long enough to breathe. She stared up at him. She’d never confuse him with his brothers’ again. There was just something about him that was so different than the others.

  “I am not Sebastian.”

  There was such vulnerability in the simple words. Such pain that she never would have guessed at before. Did he know it?

  If he did, he would fight it with everything in him. Sinclair Thomas Lorcan had been fighting to hide weakness from the moment she had met him. It had taken her a long time to understand that herself. “Sin, I never once thought you were.”

  This time she rose up and pressed her lips against his. Took that step to show him how she felt in that moment.

  She stepped back and stared at him. The next move would have to be his, wouldn’t it? Uncertainty crept in. She waited.

  And then he pounced.

  He had his hands under her shirt, not stopping until he’d tugged it from her shoulders. The black cotton was no real resistance to an insistent man. Cody didn’t care.

  He tackled the bra with just as much intensity. It was just a thin sports bra she’d had in the bag in the trunk of her car. She’d changed into it at the hospital after she’d been processed. She hadn’t known that he’d be seeing it.

  And it didn’t really matter if she had, did it? It was over her head and gone in matter of moments.

  She got a momentary thrill when he jerked away and stared at the robot that zoomed out and grabbed the discarded cloth. She laughed. “One of Luc’s little inventions. Apparently Payton leaves her clothes lying everywhere. Or he does.”

  “No talk about Lucas. Or his creepy robopets.” He wrapped his hands around her arms and yanked her against his chest. “Turn it off. Tell the damned house you’re going to busy be for a while. And not to watch, dammit. I don’t want anything seeing, even a house. There are so many things I have been waiting to do to you.”

  Wow. His words twisted her insides in all the right ways. “H-house.” She had to start again. His hands were on her breasts, touching her in ways she never would have imagined Sin would. His mouth followed, kissing lightly. Softly. Perfectly. “House, shut down for the evening. Resume services at nine a.m., unless directed otherwise.”

  It was so damned hard to remember what Luc had told her about the house at the moment.

  There was a bench near the tub. The huge master tub so close to the walk-in shower big enough for the St. Louis Cards to fit in.

  Sin headed straight for it, guiding her along without protest.

  Or at least she thought he was headed for the small settee. Instead he bypassed it and went straight for the shower. There were built in seats inside the shower built for romance, wasn’t there?

  She wouldn’t call what they were doing romance, though. Lust, heat, fire, catharsis. Those were better terms.

  She and Sin would just walk away after this, right?

  Chapter 38

  The shower turned on by itself the moment they stepped inside. It seemed like the house was only aiding him in his plans. That still didn’t mean he liked the fact that the house seemed to have a real mind of its own. Because Lucas had designed it that way. Creepy.

  He’d forgotten about his own clothes and about her jeans. But he went to work peeling the denim off of her like he had always imagined.

  The shower hadn’t figured in his fantasies of the first time they’d be together. But there had been a few late night imaginings. He got her naked as fast as he could, then stepped back and stared.

  Looked at her exactly the way he’d always wanted to. “I’ve imagined this a thousand times in the last fifteen years. I pushed the thoughts away while you were married, but after it ended? Every time I’d see you I’d think of all the ways I’d have you if you were mine. This was one of my top five favorites.”

  “Five?” Her voice was husky and the sound of it nearly sent him attacking her. But cooler heads prevailed—at least the fact that his clothes were standing in the way of what he wanted. He yanked his shirt and undershirt over his head, not caring that some buttons would most likely slip down her drain. He threw the clothing somewhere near one of shower’s corners sixteen miles away. It landed against the tile with a plop and slid to the floor.

  His trousers followed a similar path, along with his boxers.

  And then he was just as naked as she was.

  Showing her everything he’d ever felt for her, and couldn’t tell her with words. He told her with his hands and his mouth exactly how much she meant to him.

  And then he just held her through the night.

  Chapter 39

  When she woke the next morning she was being held by a Lorcan with a tattoo on the left side of his chest. That was definitely not Seb, was it? No. Sin had an eight-inch tattoo of a tiger right over his left pec. Very nice. She remembered it from the night’s activities, but with her waking before him she had more time to study it now. His hands were warm and strong on her. Had been all night.

  She had needed him and he was there. Wasn’t that was what was important?

  His eyes opened. “Hey. How are you feeling?”

  “I don’t know. Better, I think. I need to go in today. Sign some paperwork, something like that, right? Talk with Internal Affairs.” Everything threatened to overwhelm her. “Sin…”

  “Shhh. You don’t have to do this to yourself. Talk to the counselors, deal with one thing at a time. And when you need someone to talk to—or yell at—just find me. But…I need to go, too. I should have been in Dennis’s office forty-five minutes ago.”

  And just like that. Normal again.

  Cody half thought that was exactly what she needed. She’d think about what they had done later. After she dealt with everything else that had happened.

  He showered first—she didn’t have the guest bathrooms set up yet—and then left quickly.

  She took her time, after getting a text from Marianna stating she didn’t have to be there until three that afternoon to talk with I.A. She spoke with Al about Lucy, and how much fun her daughter had had. And reassured Al that she was going to be ok.

  But…she couldn’t sit around the house all day wondering…and Lucy was at school. And it would be fair to
use the child as her crutch, at all.

  She went in. If nothing else, she’d work on the files for Sin. And try not to think about what had happened between them.

  She wasn’t ready to go there at all.

  Seb stopped by her office to talk to her before his team went out to consult on case. He had his Seb-worries-about-everyone expression in his eyes and she fought against the urge to tell him to take his concern and just go away.

  Very ungrateful and uncharitable, but it was how she felt. She wasn’t entirely certain she could deal with another Lorcan that soon after sleeping with Sin, to be honest.

  Sebastian hugged her.

  The movement did nothing for her, but be comforting. There was no heat there anymore, was there? And there hadn’t been for a very long time.

  Not like there was between her and his brother. What would he even think of her and Sin kissing? Would he care? Or would he react in typical Seb fashion and tell her to be careful, that someone like Sin was the wrong kind of man for her anyway?

  And Sin was. She knew that; didn’t she?

  Seth was easier to deal with—he just called her on her office phone. Said he was confirming she hadn’t cracked her melon open too badly. Told her he loved her like a sister and to be more careful next time.

  Easy and kind in his own way.

  Paige and Carrie settled for just texting. Payton stopped by her office to see if she had any problems with the rental car.

  It was great to feel so loved—but she would much rather have just forgotten what had happened and focused on the cases still on her schedule. Why was it that they multiplied the moment something else had happened?

  Things finally settled down after her lunch hour and she was able to get back to her secondary purpose of auditing the original files.

  She had thirty-six more from the past year alone to get through. She’d found six items that she was going to have to delve deeper into. She’d meant to discuss them with Sin the day she had moved, but it hadn’t happened.