Burning (PAVAD: FBI Romantic Suspense Book 11) Page 12

  “I know all this. But how am I supposed to forget? I still see his eyes as he died. Can still feel his hands as he rips my clothes.”

  She’d changed out of her clothing at the hospital. Her things would have to be processed for evidence to confirm her side of the story. But with Kelly Reynolds’ testimony and Marianna Glendower’s, he didn’t expect any issues with I.A. from the actual shooting.

  But he knew she would never forget what she’d had to do. “It was your first, wasn’t it?” He knew her background almost as well as he knew his own. She’d married his brother while halfway through college. As soon as she’d graduated, she’d entered the Bureau. After that she’d worked as a field agent long enough to get the necessary training, then had transferred into forensics. It had been her true passion, and she’d combined her love for mechanics with her love of science. She had always been one of the smartest women he knew. And he was proud of what she’d accomplished.

  After her father’s death her step-mother had cut Merrick out of her and her child’s life completely. Not only had she had to deal with her grief over her father, she’d had to find a way to pay for college, and basic living expenses since the woman had kicked Merrick out of the home she had always lived in.

  It had been dirty and cruel and it angered him still, even thinking about it.

  But Merrick had triumphed. Thanks to his brother.

  And thanks to the money Sin had loaned Sebastian for Merrick.

  Sin had paid her tuition when his brother had asked for that loan. And Seb had paid him back two years ago. Did she know that?

  He would never tell her? It would be a great hit to her pride to know he had been the one instead of Sebastian.

  Sebastian had mentioned once in passing that she’d paid him back for the loan the year after their divorce was final. Pride.

  The woman had it in spades.

  But not at the moment. Now she was shaking and vulnerable—and clinging to him for comfort.

  He wrapped his arms around her, and before he thought it through he kissed her forehead. “You’ll get through this, baby. I can promise you that.”

  She cried, her tears soaking his shirt. Sin didn’t care. He just held her and rocked, as long as she needed. She drifted off, but he stayed where he was. Somehow they had turned until he was resting against the arm of the couch and she was stretched out, her head on his chest, and her legs entwined with his.

  Was she even aware that it was him holding her?

  Her cell rang and he grabbed it off the table. PAVAD, but an extension he didn’t recognize. “Hello?”

  “This is Ken. I’m looking for Cody?”

  Ken Chalmers. A man he knew she’d dated during the Miles/Compton case. He had been in St. Louis for a week when that had happened. When he’d arrived on the scene to see Merrick holding her weapon, while Chalmers climbed the roof of the house to save Merrick’s friend Kelly from a woman in the midst of a psychotic break.

  She had had her weapon, but hadn’t had to use it.

  Not like today.

  Thank God she carried her weapon today. She wasn’t required by PAVAD protocol to carry but she had.

  That had saved her life today.

  “Chalmers, this is Sin Lorcan. Merrick’s sleeping at the moment. Can I help you with anything?” He tried not to be rude to the man. He liked him, for the most part. If he was honest with himself he’d admit the truth—the only reason he didn’t like the man was because he’d dated Merrick.

  Had probably kissed her. Held her. Slept with her?

  “I just heard what happened and wanted to check on her. How is she doing?”

  It was thoughts like that that slipped in when he thought about the man.

  It took him a moment to realize he was jealous. And had left Chalmers hanging. "She's holding herself together. It was starting to hit her what had happened. She's resting. I'm staying with her."

  "Good. Someone taking Lucy?"

  "She's taken care of." Al had offered, and Merrick had taken her up on it. It was just him and Merrick now. "I'm staying with her. She'll get through." And that was probably good. She'd cried, as the first reaction had set in. But there would be more to come. Anger? Hurt. They were all in there somewhere when you had to use your weapon--especially for the first time. Especially for the first time.

  “No offense, Agent Lorcan, but are you the best person for this? I know the two of you have had a contentious relationship in the past."

  "Maybe." He didn't like some damned stranger pointing that out to him. "But that is ancient history. We were mostly children then. If that's all you need, I'm hanging up now."

  “Of course. Just let her know that I called, and that I am thinking about her. And here if she needs it."

  "I'll tell her." He would finish reassuring one person and another would ring in. Finally he sent a text from his own phone to Seth and Sebastian and Merrick's supervisor that he was turning off her phone so she could rest. He worded it very clearly. No one was to disturb them unless it was a genuine emergency. No one.

  ***

  Warm arms were around her and for half a second it looked like Sebastian was there. And then she woke up the rest of the way. What was Sin still doing there?

  And then the memory of him holding her surfaced. He hadn’t needed to do that. But she appreciated that he had.

  “Sin? What time is it?” She stopped for a moment, trying to remember what had happened after York had died. “Where’s Lucy?” She sat up, fighting a rush of panic.

  “She’s with Alessandra, remember? She and Seth are taking her, Ruthie, and Tyler to see that Disney movie that’s everywhere right now.” He was holding her.

  Holding her.

  Sin.

  And it felt right and natural. How—when—had that happened? “I’m ok. You didn’t have to stay.”

  “There was no way in hell I was leaving you alone tonight.”

  She closed her eyes, not wanting to see any censure on his face. She didn’t want to argue with him. Not now. If she did she would probably break into a thousand and one pieces. And that was something she didn’t want him to see. Not him.

  He didn’t need to see anymore weakness from her than he already had. “Did I hear my phone ring?”

  “It was ringing non-stop for a while there. I turned it off after telling your supervisor where to find you. And Seth and Seb. I handled everyone else. They were checking on you.”

  Good old Sin. Handling things when they needed it. Handling her, now?

  She wanted to fight against that. But…she didn’t want to be alone.

  She could have called Payton or Paige or any other friend, but at that moment she didn’t want to move.

  He did handle things, and his arms were strong and protective and she knew that he could handle anything that came their way tonight, and she needed that. Needed to know that there was someone there capable of keeping everything bad at bay.

  If just for tonight. “Thank you. I…don’t want to talk to anyone tonight. But…my daughter? Was she ok?”

  “Alessandra said she was excited to go with them tonight, but she missed you a lot.”

  “I’ll call her in a little bit. If she wants to come home, I’ll drive over and get her.”

  “I think she’ll be ok. She has Tyler and Ruthie with her. And no school tomorrow.”

  So it was just them, then. Just him. “Thank you for staying, Sin. You didn’t have to. You didn’t even have to come to the scene today. Why did you?”

  ***

  Why did he race clear across the city to get to her side the instant Len had rushed into Ed Dennis’s office to tell him what had happened?

  Fear had guided him, and he knew it. The idea that she was out there, hurt and afraid had almost broken him.

  Was it the same person who had run her car off the road? Was someone targeting her again? Her department? Or was it some random nutcase? A rapist who’d seen a beautiful woman and attacked? A druggie? What did it matter?
>
  It didn’t. She was alive and he held her. That was what mattered the most.

  He tightened his arms around her. No one would hurt her again.

  Not if he could help it. Sin leaned down and kissed her. He needed to. Needed to touch her and reaffirm that she was safe and real in front of him. He didn’t know why it was so important, but it was.

  He expected her to pull away. She didn’t. Instead her hands went to his chest, and she fisted the material of his shirt in her palms. She clung to him.

  He clung just as hard. Her hair still smelled like smoke, from the scene.

  From the scene.

  Damnit.

  His hands tightened on her and he kissed her even harder. It was a visceral reminder of what could have happened. What could have been lost?

  He couldn’t stand it. “Your hair. It smells like smoke. You need a shower.”

  “I…You’re right. Can you stay here for a while? I don’t want to be alone.”

  Sin knew what it cost her to say that. “I could call Carrie or Payton or one of your friends. I’m sure they would stay with you.”

  “I…no. I don’t want them to see me this way. You know Carrie would want to call Sebastian. I don’t want him here right now.”

  “Alessandra? I can go stay with the kids, if Seth needs help.” He refused to let a thrill go through him that she didn’t want his brother there.

  “No. But if you want to leave that would be ok. I’m sure you don’t want to stay here with me all night.”

  Her words were calm, but she had yet to let go of his shirt. Did she realize that?

  “I’m not leaving you, Merrick. Unless you tell me specifically to go. And I don’t think either one of us wants that.” He used his hold on her to lift her closer. Her eyes were level with his. He saw the raw emotion she refused to let escape.

  Saw the pain and fear.

  And he hated it. Truly hated knowing that she had had to make the difficult decision to end another human being’s life. To save hers.

  If she wanted to use him as a balm against the pain, he was more than willing to let her.

  Sin shifted her until he could put his feet beneath him. He stood, then turned back to the woman on the couch. She had rolled with his movement and was putting her own feet on the rug. But she remained sitting. He held out a hand to her. “Come on... You need a shower. I’ll stay in the bedroom while you’re in there.”

  He fully expected her to say no. To tell him to stay in the living room. But she didn’t.

  And that told him more than anything else could about how she was mentally.

  Merrick Cody never clung to people, especially men. Her father had raised her to stand on her own two feet as much as possible.

  Sometimes she’d taken on things alone that she never should have. He understood it. And remembered his brother saying something to the same effect at times. “You don’t have to be strong all the time, sweetheart. Let someone else help tonight. Let me.”

  “But why? Why do you even care? You’ve hated me since your father’s funeral, Sin. And you only got worse when I was married to your brother. What’s this all about?”

  “I have never hated you. I was jealous that you still had your father. And that stuck with me for a few years. I will admit that to anyone who asks. But that was a long time ago. And I know you weren’t at fault for that. You were perfectly justified to fight against me for how I acted.”

  “So what about when we were adults? When I was married to Sebastian? What was the problem then?”

  Somehow they’d ended up in the house’s master suite before he answered. Her bedroom. Whomever had decorated the room had done a beautiful job. And Merrick was slowly making the room into hers. She used to paint and he saw an old piece of her work above the bed.

  The room was warm, beckoning and all hers.

  He wanted her spread out over that queen sized bed and all his.

  Was that stupid?

  He didn’t have a fucking clue. But it was what he wanted.

  ***

  Sin Lorcan was smack dab in the middle of her bedroom, and Cody just didn’t care. He settled in the chair next to the small writing table that had come with the place. “I’ll wait right here, sweetheart.”

  While she showered. Naked, less than ten feet away from him. Suddenly that fact stuck with her more than the fact that she had killed a man that day. What did that say about her? That she was selfish? A horrible person? Or that she was alive and had to get through the night somehow without breaking down even more completely.

  She could get through this. She’d been through bad things before. And she would be again. She would get through.

  But she didn’t want to be alone tonight.

  She wanted someone to hold her. Even if it was Sin.

  It didn’t have to mean sex. It didn’t have to even mean commitment. It could just be two people comforting one another.

  But why had he chosen to stay?

  It wasn’t the first time he’d kissed her, but she didn’t put much stock in kissing as a way to show how someone really felt. She’d kissed Ken Chalmers once. Luc more than once, though that hadn’t gone anywhere. He was far more suited to Payton than to her.

  She’d even kissed Seth once, when she had been nineteen, a year before she’d married Sebastian.

  It had been enjoyable, but they were destined to be more like brother and sister than lovers.

  But there was something about Sin’s kisses that were far different than those she’d shared with Ken or Luc, or even Sebastian.

  Thought that had a strong rush of guilt going right through her. It felt almost disloyal to compare the two men. She and Seb had had a good marriage, and she still respected him a great deal.

  But even what they’d shared paled compared to how Sin had made her feel when he kissed her.

  And that confused the hell out of her.

  She covered by grabbing her pajamas out of the drawer. It was so weird. Sin had been a part of her life for twenty-five years now. He’d seen her in all manner of clothes. And there had been that one completely embarrassing instant years ago when he had walked in on her changing into her swimsuit. It had been three or four months before she’d married his brother, hadn’t it?

  He had stammered out an apology and walked out. But she knew he’d seen her completely naked.

  And hadn’t made his presence known for a moment or two.

  She’d been almost twenty at the time. And horribly naïve. But she had still seen the heat in his eyes.

  It had been echoed in his eyes today. “I’ll…I’ll be out in a moment.”

  “Of course.” He barely looked at her, but when he did, she saw it.

  Sin Lorcan cared about her. For some reason the rancor that had once existed between them was gone. How had that happened?

  Why had it existed in the first place?

  She wasn’t certain she believed him when he’d apologized for how he’d treated her when they were younger, though she certainly understood that he had just been a kid trying to deal with his grief. But she still didn’t understand why he’d despised her when she had been married to his brother.

  For some reason the normal lock on her filters was missing, and she shot the question out there. “Why did we fight so much since then, Sin? While I was married to Seb?”

  ***

  Why did they fight? Because from the moment he’d realized Merrick had grown into a beautiful woman he had wanted her. And his damned brother had won her in a coin toss.

  It had taken him a few years to hear the story from Seth what had happened, but before that he hadn’t realized Merrick wasn’t there for the coin toss. That it was something Seth and Seb had come up with between them without her being around.

  And that had just pissed him off for her sake. But for the first few years of her marriage he had thought that she saw his brothers as interchangeable. Saw him that way. And when she’d needed to marry according to her father’s will, she’d jump
ed at the chance.

  He knew now that it hadn’t been that way. But those first few years had set the tone for their adult lives, hadn’t it?

  “I didn’t know the coin toss wasn’t your idea.”

  And when he’d heard of it he’d been angry—that he hadn’t been included. Because from the moment he’d seen her changing into her swimsuit and realized that Merrick Cody wasn’t a child anymore he’d wanted her.

  It had taken him months to decide what to do about what he wanted. Only to find she was marrying his brother. He thought he’d done the right thing by staying away from her, by letting her marry Sebastian. For five years, he’d wondered that. And they’d been happy together. He’d been fine with that knowledge. Had moved on himself.

  It wasn’t like he had waited for her for years. Not at all.

  But when she had filed for divorce from Sebastian he’d almost hated her for causing his brother so much pain.

  But it was the right decision for her and Sebastian wasn’t it? Sebastian was happy, and Merrick had her daughter. It had worked out well for both of them.

  But he would never forget how much that damned coin toss had hurt him.

  Only when he’d learned that it hadn’t been her idea had some of that hurt lessened. Because if it hadn’t been her idea, that meant she hadn’t viewed him and his brothers as interchangeable.

  But then he’d had to face the fact that she’d wanted Sebastian, hadn’t he?

  And not him. Not that he’d ever given him the chance.

  “And that was enough to make you hate me? That stupid coin toss? I was so angry with Seb and Seth when Seb told me. We’d been married for two years before I knew they flipped a coin for me. It made me feel like….well, it wasn’t pleasant. Why did you care? You weren’t there, were you?”

  “No. I wasn’t there. And I cared.”

  “Why?”

  He took one look at her and remembered why. It wasn’t just the way she looked. Not at all.